Listening to: Matt Morris ; Forgiveness
Feeling: Slightly hungry, very bored.
Consuming: Nothing.
Hoping for: Success.

I just gotta do better. There comes a time where you have to be tough on yourself, and now’s that time. I’m 22 years old, high time I tried to get it together. Tried harder, rather. Lately, I’ve found myself getting jealous when my brother goes out with his friends. He’s never home, because he actually has a life, you know? Friends, a significant other, a car, a job, about to get back to school… and I truly want those things. I’m tired of living at home with my mother. Tired of letting obstacles hold me back from the life I feel is destined for me.

I’ll admit it, I tend to get lazy. I’ve been out of work for a year. Applying for a job here and there, depending on unemployment to keep me from being 100% broke… and they make that such a hassle so that you don’t want to bother with it. I think I’m scared. Scared of having to really, really be an adult. It’d be up to me whether I sank or swam, right? I know how to take care of myself, I don’t know.

I think it comes from a lack of faith, maybe. Faith that things can change for me, life can be better than this, that there’s more to it than being completely miserable. The fire that was in me once, it’s gone out. The passion I had for designing, for writing, singing, expressing myself through art… are all long gone. That saddens me, but I feel like those abilites were gifts. Gifts that I should seek out and use to the best of my abilities once again. They were given to me for a reason, I suppose. And it’s selfish not to share. I can’t take credit for them though… they’re called gifts for a reason.

One of the more profound things I’ve heard from my pastor is that God doesn’t give you what you want, but what you can handle. I agree, I definitely believe that you get what you can manage correctly. He also told us that the key to life is management. Managing what you have, etc. It gets pretty deep when you think about it.

I suppose I’ll end this. Just applied for a job at Best Buy, maybe they’ll get back to me? My laptop… battery’s no good, this is the third charger I’ve had for it, so I finally just ordered a new battery and charger. I’m hella impatient, though, so… the sooner they arrive, the better. I miss satellite TV, we haven’t had it for a while. Not sure how much longer we’ll have DSL, either… shit’s rough. But I have to believe it gets better. I can’t complain too much. I don’t go hungry, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back… to quote my beloved Michael Jackson, “… everything else in between can be dealt with.” Intelligent words from an intelligent man. Saddens me people buy the media’s garbage and don’t take the time to find out what he really is.

On a final note. To everyone who needs a boost, I say this out of love and hope I take my own advice. Get off your ass. Make something happen.